Alone - Part 7 - Christmas Holidays and all that

Alone – part 7 – Christmas Holidays and all that

We had our own Christmas plans, and in spite of family doubts, I intend to continue with our plans for being alone this Christmas Day, doing what we please, when we please, as we please, how we please – with no thought for anyone else.  Now it is not “we” but “I” – but I feel that is what I must do now.  I am not ready for all the noise, jollity and hubbub of an extended family celebration.  I know the sons will phone or FaceTime me to make sure that I am all right.  And that will be enough.  I want to be alone with my memories, my thoughts, and making my plans for the New Year.  If I get bored I have plenty of work to do. 

Christmas Day dawns.  Do I really want to be alone?  Yes, I do.  Most of the people on our floor have gone away for the holiday, so I really am alone.  I watch TV, I work, I eat, I sort a box of books, the families in Ireland Facetime me, we laugh and chat and laugh some more.   I listen to the radio, I eat and drink some more.  Time for bed, the day is over, and it all went well.  I felt he was with me most of the time and I didn’t feel so alone.

Day 2 - Boxing Day arrives, I am relaxed.  The family is arriving about 11 am.  Plenty of time to do what I want to do and get lunch cooked.   There isn’t, of course, because I always under estimate how long it takes for me to get things ready.   I am lucky, they are late, and I do get things finished.  The day goes well, if quietly.  When they have gone, I clear up, clean up – and do some more work.  I’m not ready for bed, I am afraid to go to bed.

Day 3 starts with deep grieving sobs.  I don’t know why this has started, or why it won’t stop.  I get up, shower, dry, dress, make tea.  I am coping again.  But only just.  It has really hit me deep and hard today.  The tears and sobs continue on and off all day and the day ends with a very disturbed and tearfully depressed night. 

Day 4, I am almost cried out, and so tired.  I must get up, follow the routine, keep things normal even though this is still a holiday.  I manage the whole day, with some work, some TV, some time-wasting solitaire games.  But the clock says it is bedtime again, I don’t want to go to bed.  I don’t want to feel that loneliness again.  I am afraid I will dissolve into tears again.  I can last another hour before I am falling down tired and too exhausted even to read my bedtime book.