Alone - Part 1 - Nightmare

Alone – part 1 - Nightmare

December 3^rd, Thursday, twenty past 4 in the morning, the ringing of the telephone wakes me up from a light sleep.  The voice at the other end of the line says I should come to the hospital now, he is deteriorating fast.  The nightmare has begun.  Go to the bathroom, splash water on my face, call a taxi, throw my clothes on, add a coat, rush downstairs.  The taxi arrives and luckily the streets are empty, nothing to stop the rush. 

Twenty minutes after the phone rang I walk into the ward to be met by a sorrowful nurse, apologising, saying I am too late.  She assures me that he woke up, gave her a brilliant smile, said a few words, another smile and he was gone. 

The nightmare is underway.  I choke back the tears, he wanted to go.  Must not cry, have to call a taxi and go home.  No tears in the taxi, the taxi driver talks.  I open the front door and let myself in.  Is this home?  He is never going to walk through that door again.  Never, ever. Walk around, put the kettle on, make tea.  Tea, the eternal cure for everything.  Will it cure a broken heart?  

It is still only a few minutes past 5.  Too early to phone anyone.  Who can I tell?  Who can I talk to?  What shall I do?  Turn the computer on, drink tea.  I do believe the clock has stopped.  Drink more tea.  At last, 6 am.  Si says he is always awake at 6 but my call wakes him up and the tears start.  Stop crying, now its 6.30 - phone Dom – wake him up.  Phone Chris, always up early, but today he wasn’t. 

I need to get out, I put my coat on and go downstairs where I can hang over the railing and watch the water, look at the boats, study the seagulls.  Nothing there has changed – it all looks like it did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day, week, month before that.  Do I look the same?

I feel cold, I come indoors again, but I can’t face going back into the flat.  I knock on a neighbour’s door.  The door opens and I fall inside and tell them what has happened.  They are only a young couple, but they comfort me, offer tea and breakfast.  I can’t eat or drink.  After about 15 minutes I feel able to go back to my own apartment.

I am still awake, I am still functioning, I am being efficient with the urgent phone calls, but my mind is blank except for the thought that I am on my own.  I feel like a robot.

Medication Matters - or does it?

My husband has numerous medical problems for which he swallows of cocktail of pills morning and evening – and a few at lunchtime.  From time to time the doctor or consultant will prescribe something new to cope with a new problem.  Are all these drugs themselves the problem?  The latest pill, prescribed by a consultant, was difficult to get hold of, but we finally got it.  Thankfully, we read the accompanying literature before swallowing one of the pills – they are contra-indicated for anyone suffering from a particular condition which my husband has, or anyone undergoing surgery in the near future (my husband had a small op due in a few weeks) or recent past. 

When we took the leaflet and pills to the consultant doing the operation, he was very firm that those particular pills should not be taken.  When we spoke to the consultant who gave the prescription he thought the other consultant was being over-fussy and he was sure that it would not cause any problems.  

Do the different doctors know what they are prescribing?  Do they understand what they are prescribing for?  Although they all have his notes on their computer screens, and/or in a very thick folder on the desk, do they even look at anything but their own paragraphs?  Does anyone look at the broader picture?  It’s scary to think of what might have happened if we had not removed that leaflet from the pill pack and read it all.  

All this prompted me to research into the drugs that were coming into our home, by reading packet leaflets, going to the manufacturers websites, and exploring a number of different health and doctoring websites in UK and USA.  The results of that set me on a process to get a “drug review”.  The pharmacist said he could tell us what the drugs were for, but no more.  I already knew that.  The doctor said he wouldn’t interfere with prescriptions issued by consultants.  Various other health admin professionals didn’t know why I wanted to question anything, and others didn’t know what a drug review was!  Eventually I got some clues to follow, and after many phone calls I found someone who understood and told me who should be able to arrange it.   

Three months after I started the research we had a meeting with a hospital doctor whose job is to look at everything relating to a patient – medication, history, life-style, diet, disabilities and abilities, speech, thoughts and so on.  He praised my research, explained to both of us the purpose of the drugs and agreed that some of them were in conflict with others.  As a result he has dropped one drug completely, dropped another temporarily to test reactions, and reduced the dose of another.

Success!

Moving Years

Between February 2010 and September 2011, in different locations determined by health and hospitals, we downsized, from a very large, 3 storey 3 bedroom house with very large garage, to a spacious 2 ½ bedroom flat with garage, to a 1 bedroom flat.  That downsize was a serious compromise, and soon upsized to a 2 bedroom flat.   

Downsizing is horribly traumatic work for a pair of born collectors who don’t understand the concept of  minimalism.   A huge amount of  furniture, books, tableware and “stuff” and books was given to charity organisations and others, and sent to auctions  – but it had to be done.  During all the moves except the last one my Other Half was too ill to participate or even care, or in hospital, and every move but the last was necessitated by his deteriorating condition.

Now, I think we are settled.  Our last move brought us into a lovely apartment, with lovely views that are always changing, always interesting, and which always bring a “Wow” from visitors.   Life is good again.  Life has adapted round the needs of OH and settled into a comfortable pattern, with occasional surprises and dramas to keep us on our toes.

Twelve years ago we watched these apartments being built and I said then that if we ever had to move, that is where I wanted to live, but that was just a dream, something unlikely ever to happen. 

But dreams do come true – that is where we are living now.  

Part of the view from our living room window:

Would you get tired of watch this - and more to the right and left?

 

New Beginnings - Again!

Since the last entry on this blog in 2010 a lot has happened and life has changed again.  Another major change  - moving to a new location, new hospitals and doctors, a new place to live.  There have been some hatched, matched and despatched events.  New people have been welcomed into the family, there has been a golden wedding, a marriage, 2 babies born, celebrations and frustrations. Farewells have been said to family members and friends,   A small book has been published, and a dream or two has become reality along the way. 

 And so, with all that, this blog restarts - another new beginning.