Alone - part 6 - Life goes on

Alone – part 6 – Life goes on

After 3 weeks the new challenge is trying to convince people that they can treat me normally.  Syrup and sympathy is hard for me to rise above.  We must talk about him normally, as if he is just round the corner, just out of sight.  I am the same person as I was before.  Only now I am just me instead of part of a couple.

It is strange.  When you are part of a couple, you notice so many people on their own, without knowing why.  But when you are alone, all you seem to see is couples.  I wonder why?  I am alone.  Today someone didn’t recognize me, probably because I wasn’t pushing the wheelchair.  It was strange, and a little embarrassing for the person I spoke to.

I couldn’t push the wheelchair now even I wanted to.  It has gone on loan to a friend whose son has had an accident and can’t walk for a while.  Now I realize how wide our hall way is!

I am sleeping well, I think, but I am tired.  I am tired of the words about bereavement, loss, questions about how I am managing.  I am tired of officials telling me how sorry they are while in the next sentence they hit me with something that I don’t want to hear.    I am tired of being strong.  I am tired of being nice, and capable, and coping.  I am tired of being alone.  I want to dissolve in a heap of tears and loneliness.  The sort of loneliness that company can’t cure.  But no, I will be strong, and helpful, and determined and friendly - because that is apparently what I do.  So I am told by others who miss my other half.  What a reputation I have to live up to.  I don’t know if I can do it, alone.