Alone - Part 1 - Nightmare

Alone – part 1 - Nightmare

December 3^rd, Thursday, twenty past 4 in the morning, the ringing of the telephone wakes me up from a light sleep.  The voice at the other end of the line says I should come to the hospital now, he is deteriorating fast.  The nightmare has begun.  Go to the bathroom, splash water on my face, call a taxi, throw my clothes on, add a coat, rush downstairs.  The taxi arrives and luckily the streets are empty, nothing to stop the rush. 

Twenty minutes after the phone rang I walk into the ward to be met by a sorrowful nurse, apologising, saying I am too late.  She assures me that he woke up, gave her a brilliant smile, said a few words, another smile and he was gone. 

The nightmare is underway.  I choke back the tears, he wanted to go.  Must not cry, have to call a taxi and go home.  No tears in the taxi, the taxi driver talks.  I open the front door and let myself in.  Is this home?  He is never going to walk through that door again.  Never, ever. Walk around, put the kettle on, make tea.  Tea, the eternal cure for everything.  Will it cure a broken heart?  

It is still only a few minutes past 5.  Too early to phone anyone.  Who can I tell?  Who can I talk to?  What shall I do?  Turn the computer on, drink tea.  I do believe the clock has stopped.  Drink more tea.  At last, 6 am.  Si says he is always awake at 6 but my call wakes him up and the tears start.  Stop crying, now its 6.30 - phone Dom – wake him up.  Phone Chris, always up early, but today he wasn’t. 

I need to get out, I put my coat on and go downstairs where I can hang over the railing and watch the water, look at the boats, study the seagulls.  Nothing there has changed – it all looks like it did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day, week, month before that.  Do I look the same?

I feel cold, I come indoors again, but I can’t face going back into the flat.  I knock on a neighbour’s door.  The door opens and I fall inside and tell them what has happened.  They are only a young couple, but they comfort me, offer tea and breakfast.  I can’t eat or drink.  After about 15 minutes I feel able to go back to my own apartment.

I am still awake, I am still functioning, I am being efficient with the urgent phone calls, but my mind is blank except for the thought that I am on my own.  I feel like a robot.